Shuffling By

Evan Williams, Humor Editor

Oh, the eternal moan of those who languish in the toils of athletic obligation—how it rings out! Nothing but barbarism to be found; pure, unadulterated brutality certainly abounds. It seems indeed that to sport has become as tedious as to work. In light of the dearth of skill-bound, etiquette-driven, cruise-ship-worthy competitions, students are now shouting from the quad to the heavens, with great voice and clarity:

“Wherefore should I stand in the plague of custom? Why lax? Wherefore track? Nary shall I rest ‘fore these lands art graced by the honest light of the shuffleboard!”

It has been proclaimed—indeed widely so—that our game, shuffleboard, is nothing so childish as appearances dictate. Few make a foray into such a world of intensity with the hope of return realized. In fact, it has been said that such a revolution in the athletic community would be a paradigm breaker—a battle so fierce, football would be relegated to the physical equivalent of chess by comparison.

Aside from the obvious physical benefits associated with the sport, shuffleboard promises an ascension in one’s social standing. Consider: money is your currency (at least, until socialism overthrows capitalism) . Most social hierarchies are largely dependent upon income. What happens though, when once-green pockets fade brown and die? When old age shifts the mind’s focus from material goods and towards influence? The world grows frenzied and animalistic, dog eat dog. What’s left in the cutthroat fluorescently-lit halls of nursing homes to weed out the weak and present an alpha? Shuffleboard, that’s what.

We pride ourselves on our academic merits, spend days at a time drudging through the sordid pits of Thucydides, Homer, Achebe, Shakespeare, and for what? To roughly quote monologues in iambic pentameter as part of a satirical article? It’s dastardly! Beyond that, it’s neglectful. It is crucial, nay it is a moral imperative on the part of the administration to prepare the young minds who haunt the staircases of 755 S Price Rd not only for the challenges of functional adult life, but also for the brutal reality that lay just beyond the shady acres of co-dependent suppliancy.

Who shall deny us? Who dare place themselves in front of the unstoppable force of our determination? I say to you, whoever you are, you are a movable object.

Legitimate Tasker, we must have your word: our community’s love for shuffling and for boarding demands recognition in the sport requirement for the sports requirement fine sport—shuffleboard! We stand in arms, varsity football coaches and former C-team golfers alike, in petitioning your highness for the inclusion of our great contest. Will you not grant us this thing we wish? Well, my good sir, if this inquiry speed, and our intention thrive, shuffleboard shall top the “legitimate” sports. We shall grow; we shall prosper. Now, Tasker, stand up for the flight of the shuffleboard puck!

Thou, nature, art my goddess; to thy law

My services are bound. Wherefore should I

Stand in the plague of custom, and permit

The curiosity of nations to deprive me,

For that I am some twelve or fourteen moon-shines

Lag of a brother? Why bastard? wherefore base?

When my dimensions are as well compact,

My mind as generous, and my shape as true,

As honest madam’s issue? Why brand they us

With base? with baseness? bastardy? base, base?

Who, in the lusty stealth of nature, take

More composition and fierce quality

Than doth, within a dull, stale, tired bed,

Go to the creating a whole tribe of fops,

Got ‘tween asleep and wake? Well, then,

Legitimate Edgar, I must have your land:

Our father’s love is to the bastard Edmund

As to the legitimate: fine word,–legitimate!

Well, my legitimate, if this letter speed,

And my invention thrive, Edmund the base

Shall top the legitimate. I grow; I prosper:

Now, gods, stand up for bastards!

Our most competitive teams, C-Select Soccer and JV Boys tennis, are already overloaded with student-athletes looking for a competitive environment.  The school needs another sports program that will nurture these students’ desire to compete and go above and beyond the athletic requirement.  Shuffleboard fits the bill perfectly.

Shuffleboard is the ultimate test in athleticism and stamina. This sport is not for the feint-hearted. I think it would replace wrestling as the highest per capita incidents of athlete vomiting into a garbage can given its intensity. It’ll make football look a lot more like chess given its physicality. In short, this is a paradigm breaker.