How to Walk

Lucy Bloomstran, A&E and Satire Editor

For six years, I have trudged behind and among you all on the way to classes. And for six years, I have remained silent about how truly awful you all are at walking. Seriously. No one at this school has any idea how to walk through the halls. But that silence is over. After this problem being deemed “not important enough for a soundoff” by my peers and superiors, I have decided to bring it to the platform I know best: the Backpage. I encourage everyone to read and internalize this list of dos and don’ts as to make Burroughs a better place and to preserve my sanity in the last couple of months.


  • Use the door on your right hand side when entering/exiting a building.
  • Say hello to your friends quickly and continue walking to your class.
  • Stay on the right when walking through the halls and up and down stairs. This is America. If you wanted to walk on the left, you should have moved to Europe.


  • Walk 9 abreast at a pace of -2 mph through the halls in busy passing periods.
  • Just randomly stop in the middle of the hallway.
  • Attempt to study/text while walking down the hall during a passing period.
  • Have conversations with your friends on the stairs
  • Walk next to someone when going up and down the stairs
  • Try to barrel past people on the way into assembly. We’re all going to the same place.