by MATTHEW GELFMAN, ABDULLAH BROWN-EL, NICK BOOKER, COLE WIMMER AND EVAN WILLIAMS

Students Resort to Phallic Symbols in Lieu of Signatures, Call it Shakespearean Social Experiment

Rowdy, edgy, and, dare I say, sophomoric students have resorted to a wannabe Banksy style of identification, each having developed their own unique phallic symbol. The math department has released a statement on the matter: “This behavior is intolerable and not humorous in the slightest.” Conversely, the English department said the trend is a groundbreaking social experiment that affirms the relevance of Shakespeare and Renaissance sculptors in the modern world. The STAR Beam offered no comment.

Lunch Workers Three Times as Likely to be Diagnosed with Nightmares Than Civilians

A report coming from the Mayo Clinic has concluded that the brave people who serve our lunchroom so that we may keep our precious buffet days are more prone to being diagnosed with stress-induced nightmares than average civilians. “Crushed chips in the carpet, yogurt blots on the floor, unwiped table surfaces and other countless unimaginable horrors plague the cafeteria, as well as my mind,” responded a shell-shocked junior worker. “When I was assigned my duty, I thought it would be simple but my life and future dining experiences will never be the same after the things I have seen.”

Latest Department of Education Study Finds That Failing Test “Okay” Because Everyone Else Failed Too

The Department of Education recently released a new study finding that, “even though a 59 percent is an abysmal grade, if the class average is just as low then it is in fact okay.” Freshman biology students in the community have recently responded to the article. “While I was worried that my parents would be upset after my last F, the new study really calmed my nerves and reminded me that the rest of my class had no idea what anaphase II is either,” remarked a freshman who has no idea how awful the upcoming rat quiz will be.

Student Puts Half-Full Starbucks Cup in Recycling, Pats Self On Back

A junior sipped on a venti mocha during fifth period yesterday while studying. When he found that the drink no longer burned his tongue, he picked up his bag, left, then thought better of his actions. “No,” he thought, “no, I’m going to be a model citizen today. Today is the day I recognize my privilege and help my community.” Heroically, he grabbed the cup, lukewarm liquid sloshing around inside, and marched to the disposal area. His eyes flashed between bins labeled “landfill” and “single-stream.” He recycled it. “Go Mother Earth,” he mumbled. Unfortunately, because of the coffee still inside, the whole bag of recyclables was relegated to the landfill, furthering the effects of global warming.

Students Reveal Classics Department Front for Organized Fine Art Heists, Tea Trade

Allegedly, the Classics faculty keep their stash of Breugel’s stowed away in The Tower. As one student reports, “Dr. Springer was talking about some painting or another in class the other day, then said, ‘wait here,’ and came back with a 4×6 oil painting on canvas.”

Another student offered a statement on the high-class tea trade taking place on the third floor. “Dr. Lowe walked in with a bucket of steaming tea mumbling something about the beverages being the only reason he works here.”
When asked for comment, Dr. Lowe said this of the department: “Latin? You think we teach Latin here? Have you read Caesar? I wouldn’t call it Latin, more like an egomaniacal self-portrait—oh! Portraits. Yeah, they’re all upstairs, but who cares? This place doesn’t need another portrait. It needs some good old fashioned Greek vases.”

Theatre Department’s One-Line Assembly Hooks For New Show Grow Increasingly Absurd

Recent reports indicate that promotional announcements for The Skin of Our Teeth will mark a new age for unintelligible inside jokes masquerading as plot summarization. “In fact,” the Theatre Department boasts, “there’s a chance we’ll just have our actors step on stage and shriek for seven and a half minutes. It’s a sort of avant-garde, abstract vibe that we haven’t toyed with much in the past. We’re tired of offering shallow existential interpretations limited by syllabic humdrum. We need something more revelatory.”

Opinion: IDK; I Kind of Like My Bowties Pre-Tied

Dear Pre-Tied Hater,

In such tumultuous times, few things are truly predictable and trustworthy. As we battle confusion in our world, whether it’s worth bringing our backpack in the house, or how to answer the first two questions of a test I know I’m gonna bomb, it is soothing to go back to my old stand by…THE Pre-Tied Bow Tie. I have owned the same light pink bow tie since Easter ‘02, simply expanding the loop for each subsequent function. As others battle the silk snakes around their necks, or watch Vsauce videos to figure out how to tie a tie, like, really tie it, I simply sprinkle some dust from a long dead boot-in-ear to revive the magic of the tie.
* note: this is a contradiction to The Rhubarb’s previously stated stance.

Music Drought Worst in 25 years; No Signs of Hope

Artists everywhere are failing the American youth, day by day, night by night. Assaulted by empty promises and dehumanizing statements such as “C U L T U R E 2 on the way” and “Travis Scott and Quavo reportedly have 20 unreleased songs together,” teenagers are losing hope by the second. Kids are forced to play
“Sweet Caroline” and throwback songs from the 2000s at our parties (actually pretty tight though, so not complaining). But, @LaFLame, handle this….

Science Town Signs One-Year Extension Deal With Burroughs Bombers

Artists everywhere are failing the American youth, day by day, night by night. Assaulted by empty promises and dehumanizing statements such as “C U L T U R E 2 on the way” and “Travis Scott and Quavo reportedly have 20 unreleased songs together,” teenagers are losing hope by the second. Kids are forced to play
“Sweet Caroline” and throwback songs from the 2000s at our parties (actually pretty tight though, so not complaining). But, @LaFLame, handle this….

A Scary Movie Review from the Backpage: What the H*** is It?

Artists everywhere are failing the American youth, day by day, night by night. Assaulted by empty promises and dehumanizing statements such as “C U L T U R E 2 on the way” and “Travis Scott and Quavo reportedly have 20 unreleased songs together,” teenagers are losing hope by the second. Kids are forced to play
“Sweet Caroline” and throwback songs from the 2000s at our parties (actually pretty tight though, so not complaining). But, @LaFLame, handle this….