The College Scandal: A Satire


Carrie Zhang, Opinions Editor

In the middle of March, news regarding the college admission process surfaced, spreading across the globe and shaking people to their core. Elite parents were bribing colleges to ensure their child’s acceptance.

No one would ever have imagined a crime as heinous as this. The college admissions process has always been recognized for its utmost integrity, honesty, and morality. The recent news has been an immense shock to everyone. Several news outlets reported cases of students and parents suffering from severe paralysis.

Olivia Jade Giannulli, a beauty vlogger with a whopping 200 subscribers, is the daughter of actress Lori Loughlin and fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli. Her parents were caught smuggling massive crates of fine French cheeses and an outrageous supply of carrots the week before the news was released. The delivery was just another monthly bribe meant for board members at the University of Southern California (USC) to keep Jade at the university.

When police arrested Loughlin and Giannulli, daughter Olivia Jade was busy following her passion — making YouTube videos for her many subscribers. Jade told several news outlets that she was filming another video on how to look boujee on a budget. Jade suggests that viewers buy the $1,000 Gucci purse instead of the $2,000 one to save half of their money.

Steven Senne
Actress Lori Loughlin, front, and husband, clothing designer Mossimo Giannulli, left, depart federal court in Boston on Wednesday, April 3, 2019, after facing charges in a nationwide college admissions bribery scandal. (AP Photo/Steven Senne)

Loughlin admitted that she promised admissions officer Bobby Bob a role on Fuller House if he helped move along Jade’s enrollment at USC.

Loughlin and Giannulli make up a small portion of the group who have been bribing colleges to ensure their children’s future. This endemic has spread vastly and quickly. The college admissions process can no longer be trusted. Parents have even considered pulling their children out of colleges. Carrots and fine French cheese supplies are now depleted because of Loughlin and Giannulli. There is little that we can do to prevent any further damage except to stay inside our homes and hope for the best.