Satire: Do’s and Don’ts of Corona Virus

Sara Cao, Opinions Editor

  1. Do: Go visit your favorite teacher and stand exactly one foot away from them. They miss you, and they would love to see you, especially up close.
  2. Don’t: Make masks and donate them to people in need. They obviously already have enough because the government has already taken care of them. They’re also super hard to make and take literal hours to do.
  3. Do: Give your WiFi a rest and stop attending Zoom meetings. You might get cancer from your computer waves, so you might as well save yourself while you’re at it. 
  4. Don’t: Stay at home. Your house is dull and nobody in your family wants to see you all day, every day.
  5. Do: Go to your nearest Costco and buy all the toilet paper- you never know when you will need it…
  6. Don’t: Read a book. They’re boring anyway, especially the really bad ones like Celeste Ng’s Everything I Never Told You and Cassandra Clare’s City of Bones.
  7. Do: Steal the N-95s from the nearest hospital. It will be a fun break from sitting at home all day! 
  8. Don’t: Watch Tiger King, Ozark, Money Heist, and Love is Blind on Netflix… The characters are just not interesting and it’s a huge waste of time.
  9. Do: Book the next flight to your grandma in Texas. During times like these, she is probably lonely and needs some company.
  10. Don’t: Make a playlist. Music is super trash nowadays especially with the releases of albums like Lil Uzi Vert’s Eternal Atake, The Weeknd’s After Hours, Childish Gambino’s 3.15.20, and Don Toliver’s Heaven and Hell.
  11. Do: Visit the JBS buildings and see what Mr. Abbott is up to. Who knows, maybe he will need some help filming the morning assemblies!
  12. Don’t: Do creative things like paint or write. No one wants to see stuff like that after being on Zoom all day. Our eyes are sore and need to rest. 
  13. Do: Throw a party! You’re going to need as many people as you need. Call your friend, your friend’s friend, and your friend’s uncle. Times are super depressing now and everyone could use a bit of a cheer-up.
  14. Don’t: Wash your hands every now and then. They’re already cracked and dry if you actually wash them, and we don’t need our hands to be wrinkly and gross after this. The germs can stay. 
  15. Do: Go to the coronavirus ward at your hospital and visit all of the dying patients! They need some warm, human contact every now and then. 
  16. Don’t: Walk around your neighborhood. You’re glued to your screen all day anyway, so you might as well just stay that way.
  17. Do: Touch your face. It’s allergy season, and if you want to rub your eyes all the time- go for it! Relieve that stress!
  18. Don’t: Catch up on a forgotten hobby like knitting, sewing, playing an instrument, etc. That’s for grandmas. 
  19. Do: Procrastinate. This is going to be over in like what, 3 months, right? 
  20. Don’t: Have a self-care/spa day. If you wear your face mask, you’re doing the world an injustice because I’m pretty sure healthcare workers need those masks. 
  21. Do: Stop working out or taking care of your body. No one’s going to see you for months anyway, so you can just stop exercising. 
  22. Don’t: Order takeout from local businesses. They’re actually tired of preparing food now, and you need to give them a break. 
  23. Do: Be on your phone during Zoom class. It’s not like everyone can see you looking down at your table all the time, right? Because your table is just that interesting, right?
  24. Don’t: Join Sunrise JBS in Earth Day activities. The climate has already healed itself all the way and is immune to any global warming now.
  25. Do: Spend all day on TikTok. It’s an app worthy of all of your time and energy and you’re going to need to charge your phone 5 times a day to keep up with all of Charli D’amelio’s new uploads. 
  26. Don’t: Bake. Cookies, cake, brownies, and muffins are way overrated. 
  27. Do: Hang up in the middle of a Zoom call if you’re bored already. It’s 100% okay because it’s not like your teachers are actually working hard on teaching or anything.
  28. Don’t: Facetime your friends and family. They’re obviously very busy right now handling quarantine and don’t miss you, like, at all. 
  29. Do: Panic. It’s the end of the world. We’ve strayed too far from God’s light.
  30. Don’t: Follow @jbs_world on Instagram and check out the website for daily irrelevant articles. The World is mediocre at most and just a scrappy student publication.