Introducing JBS

Evan Williams, Humor Editor

Do you have a need for quality education? Are you perplexed by the lack of options available in this day and age? Do you want the best for your children? Well wake up, folks, we’ve been around since 1923, and boy howdy, do we have the miracle drug for you! From the scientists who brought you the now-recognizable problematic institutions which inspired Dead Poets Society, we are proud to introduce the new and improved (and now FDA certified) John Burroughs School (JBS)!

With your yearly dose of JBS (for the rock-bottom cost of everything you own, and your sanity) you’ll see immediate intellectual, athletic, and spiritual benefits for your children!

Our recipe is simple: near-flawless philosophical principles combined with more-than-qualified and passionate administrators amplified to the power of stress!

Our ingenious formula has powered success stories worldwide, and we are proud to call ourselves the performance enhancer of choice for stars like Jon Hamm, Ellie Kemper, Beau Willimon, and Sam Altman. Want to be like them? Try JBS today!

***Warning: improper use of, or incompatibility with JBS may result in excessive bellyaching about minor to severe amounts of work, complete and utter underappreciation for those who cook, clean, or teach, gout, a general insistence that nothing is up to par with one’s expectations, ambition that outmatches work ethic, crippling inferiority complexes, occasional super-ego development resulting in superiority complexes, mysterious impulses to don oneself in whale-coated attire and/or nantucket red, looking in the mirror to see Todd Akin staring back, an inverse relationship between willingness to work and the amount of effort required, and, in rare instances, a warm feeling in one’s insides as a result of a side effect known as genuine appreciation (if this happens to you, see your doctor immediately as it may be a sign of non-conformity).***